domingo, 16 de junio de 2013

A little poem on Insomnia :)

Ten pm I'll try and sleep
Why not try by counting sheep?
Why do I think this will ever work
All left now is to lay and weep

Eleven o'clock and so it seems
I still haven't entered the land of dreams
I'll close my eyes, I'll get there soon
It's truly a place I can forget my gloom.

Midnight arrives, I am still awake
I dont know how much more I can take
Please let me sleep, I long to dream
Escape the piercing moonlight gleam.

One pm such a silent night
All I can do is lay here and fight
Fight with the demon that keeps me from rest
A demon that keeps ignoring my soul protest:
"Let me sleep, oh let me sleep, 
I'm falling into a hole so deep, 
A hole that's almost impossible to escape,
A hole that constantly keeps me awake".

Two in the morning not a soul in sight
As I look through my window into the summer night
I open the window to breathe in the air
Instantly blinded by the moon and its glare.

It's three o'clock there's no chance at all
That into Morpheus arms I'll fall
He's left me here in agony and pain
And awake of course I still remain.

An hour gone by, now the clock strike four
I cannot take this anymore
Please tell me know, how long can I go on like this?
Only one little dream would be heavenly bliss.

Five am tears fill my eyes
To be like this I so despise
They sting so much they cannot rise
All I have left is to lay and cry

I want to cry I need to weep
Oh how I long to fall asleep
Six am no point in trying
No tears left from all the crying.

Alas another sleepless night
Fighting to sleep with all my might
No dreams, no rest, no morning rise
A tourture session in disguise

L. Woodland

The fight against negativity

I have always been known to be quite a negative person. It's who I am, as much as hate to admit it.
The victimist side of me wants to blame this side of my character on the troubles I had growing up, the low self-esteem, the physical problems and a lack of thick skin as to ignore bullies.
Then I think, why am I doing this to myself? It's as if I'm condemning the rest of my life that's yet to come on past experiences that have ironically turned me into the bully of my own future.
I read dyspraxic people had a tendency to be a little on the low-self esteem side, and to not be able to put aside the bad things and therefore be able to focus on the good things in life. I'd like to think its this that causes all my negativity.
It's funny though, I can often identify the problem, but when it comes to bringing its solution to life I'm absolutely useless. I constantly tell myself to quit being so negative, as truth be told I have no reason to continue like it. Sure I have bad days, we all do; but what I can't allow myself  do is to let the sadness of not accomplishing all the things I wish to create a massive shadow over the happiness I could be experiencing over what I actually have achieved. We take so many things for granted, and we dont realize what true potential each and everyone of us have.
And this is when a phrase by my theatre group teacher comes to mind: 

                             Celebrate everything you do. 

Following this we were all asked to put our hands up in the air to celebrate our victory, and walk around the room as if we had just won the Noble Prize. The key was to celebrate even the most simplest of things we had done that day. They may not mean a single thing to the person standing next to you, but for you, celebrating a bunch of minimalist things that you take for granted each day can truly change your day around.
So you managed to walk from the kitchen to the lounge without spilling your coffee? Hands up high! (of course, put down the coffee first ;) )
You managed to get up a couple of minutes earlier, just to have more time to wake yourself up? Let's celebrate!
You managed a day without smoking. Well done! Keep up whatever your doing.

It's truly amazing how all the little things can put a smile on your face. Let's celebrate what we achieve, WE DID IT! I was never too sure about the whole "be positive and good things will happen", I'm more of a believer of smiling even when things go wrong. Smiling at errors in the face just to prove it's going to take much more than a silly little mistake to get you down. Mistakes dont necessarily have to come with negative connotations. It's a lesson learned, even if we have to take the same lesson over and over again. What's important is that we're on the right path. We only fail when we stop trying. Strengh doesnt have to refer to strong and brave people, it can also refer to those who, despite all the failed attempts, they still have it in them to get back on their feet again and keep on trying. Now that, is what I call true strengh. 
Mistakes are basically our life's entertainement. Without them we'd live in such a bore, in such a clueless monotony. 
Life just wouldn't be life as we know it. Mistakes are what we learn from, mistakes are a part of our wonderful and unique selves. It's them that turn the tabula rasa that we were before them into the beautiful painting we are today.

sábado, 15 de junio de 2013

To Tell or Not To Tell... That is the Question

Here we go again...

Yet another major fight with my boyfriend. He says he's had too much patience with me and that he really doesn't get how I act sometimes. And that he's tired. It would all be so much easier if I just told him I had dyspraxia... or would it?? To be honest I'm not entirely sure.

The way things have been going, telling him I had dyspraxia would just be another thing to add to everything that's been going wrong recently. But then on the other hand, maybe if he knew about dyspraxia he'd understand why I behave in such a manner sometimes, a manner he just can't get his head around.

It would all depend on his mood. If he was willing to listen, he might be interested. He's sometimes got a curious edge towards things, which leads me to thinking he might want to know more about my condition. However, it's possible I might catch him at a time when he's well inmersed in his defeatist attitude. An attitude a little alarming for someone of barely 23 years old, when he throws things away he's been working hard for just because "he's had enough". And telling him about what's wrong, would just be another one of my victimist excuses, as he's often said before.

What's really driving me crazy is that he's non stop talking to one of his friends, and commenting on OUR relationship with her, and even telling me what she thinks about me after hearing all he's had to say. This may look paranoid I know (that's what he thinks), but forgive me for wanting my relationship to be of two people only, fighting two against one just doesnt seem fair, especially if that othe person does not know you whatsoever. I'm basically getting judged by a stranger in my own relationship.